Funny Quotes

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.
Woody Allen

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox


A hard man is good to find.
Mae West

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.
Mae West

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Mae West

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
Sam Goldwyn

A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
Rudyard Kipling

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Dilbert

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.
Homer Simpson

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
Homer Simpson

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
George Orwell

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Oscar Wilde

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
Winston Churchill

Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.
Mae West

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen

Another such victory, and we are undone.
Pyrrhus

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
Mae West

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
Oliver Goldsmith

Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
David Brent

Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Marge Simpson

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Homer Simpson

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris

But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers.
Socrates

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
Ralph Bus

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
Will Rogers

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
Brendan Behan

Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
George Bernard Shaw

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
George Burns

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

Don't have a cow, man.
Bart Simpson

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
Mae West

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Groucho Marx

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
Mae West

Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.
Winston Churchill

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
Woody Allen

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.
Homer Simpson

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Homer Simpson

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.
Samuel Beckett

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Oprah Winfrey

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
John Benfield

Eat my shorts.
Bart Simpson

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Homer Simpson

Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.
George S. Kaufman

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
Woody Allen

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
George Bernard Shaw

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Charles D. Warner

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde

First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging.
Denis Healey

Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.
Oscar Wilde

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.
Mae West

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!
Saint Augustine

Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times.
Author Unknown
Often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Mae West

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Will Rogers

'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'.
Mae West

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx

He who can does. He who cannot, teaches.
George Bernard Shaw

He who fights and runs away
May live to fight another day;
But he who is in battle slain
Can never rise and fight again.
Oliver Goldsmith

He who hesitates is a damned fool.
Mae West

He who hesitates is last.
Mae West

Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.
George Bernard Shaw

Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.
Homer Simpson

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
Mae West

He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
Mae West

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West

Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.
George Bernard Shaw

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb

I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.
Mae West

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am at two with nature.
Woody Allen

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields

I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.
Noel Coward

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
Woody Allen

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they terrify me.
Duke of Wellington

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one.
Mae West

I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself.
Mae West

I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more regular than that.
Ronaldo

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen

I drink therefore I am.
W.C. Fields

I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae West

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.
Mae West

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
Woody Allen

I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication.
Oscar Wilde

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Mark Twain

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.
Mark Twain

I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Oscar Wilde

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan

I just love Chinese food. My favourite dish is number 27.
Clement Atlee

I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.
Mae West

I like children - fried.
W.C. Fields

I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming.
Homer Simpson

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

I love everything about you. Your lips, your eyes, your voice. The only thing I can't stand is you.
Groucho Marx

I love mankind. It's people I can't stand.
Charles Monroe Schultz

I never drink water, fish fuck in it.
W.C. Fields

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
Mae West

I never met a kid I liked.
W.C. Fields

I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed.
Oscar Wilde

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Mark Twain

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
Woody Allen

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
Woody Allen

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.
Woody Allen

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
David Brent

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen

I used to be Snow White…but I drifted.
Mae West

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
Homer Simpson

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.
Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
George Burns

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
David Brent

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields

If it sells, it's art.
Frank Lloyd

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence, two words. If He would just cough.
Woody Allen

If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.
Homer Simpson

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
David Brent

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
David Brent

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen

If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
John Wayne

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
David Brent

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
David Brent

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
George Burns

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
George Burns

I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen

I'm not normally a religious man, but... if you're up there, save me, Superman!
Homer Simpson

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
Woody Allen

I'm tired, send one of them home.
Mae West
When told there were 10 men waiting to meet her in her dressing-room.

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
George Best

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Oscar Wilde

Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
Will Rogers

Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Woody Allen

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
Mae West

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Spike Milligan

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen

It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
George Bernard Shaw

It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.
Oscar Wilde

It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear.
Oscar Wilde

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers

It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
Mae West

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
Mae West

It's not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people who aren't.
Arthur Gore

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Mark Twain

It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
Marilyn Monroe
On posing nude for a calendar photograph.

It's not what I do, but the way I do it. It's not what I say, but the way I say it.
Mae West

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns

It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.
Lisa Simpson

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.
David Brent

It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
Woody Allen

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
Woody Allen

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
David Brent

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
Homer Simpson

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Homer Simpson

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Mae West

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen

Love may be blind, but it can sure find its way around in the dark!
Author Unknown

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Rita Rudner

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Homer Simpson

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
George Bernard Shaw

Men are all alike - except the one you've met who's different.
Mae West

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Rita Rudner

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Rita Rudner

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Rita Rudner

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself.
Mae West

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
Spike Milligan

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have any fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

Mr. Right is coming. But he's in Africa and he's walking.
Oprah Winfrey

My ex-husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.
Woody Allen

My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf
On US soldiers attacking Baghdad.

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.
Ronald Reagan
US president during radio microphone test.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Ed Furgol

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Groucho Marx

My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq, and I want to negotiate.
Saddam Hussein
To US troops who captured him in a hole in the ground near Tikrit.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
Woody Allen

My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.
Winston Churchill

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
David Brent

Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. Fields

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Winston Churchill

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Author Unknown

No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
Aristotle

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Rita Rudner

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen

Nothing succeeds like excess.
Oscar Wilde

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.
Bill Vaughan

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Mark Twain

Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.
Lisa Simpson

Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Janis Joplin

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
Woody Allen

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives.
Maurice Chevalier
On 77th birthday.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Woody Allen

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx

Operator, give me the number for 911!
Homer Simpson

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
Oscar Wilde

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Groucho Marx

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.
David Brent

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
David Brent

Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning.
George W Bush

Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
David Brent

Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3.
To your Boss I like your style.
David Brent

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Woody Allen

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Darrin Weinberg

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.
Mae West

See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?
Will Rogers
To his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns

Sex is an emotion in motion.
Mae West

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
Woody Allen

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx

She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
Oliver Goldsmith

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Woody Allen

She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.
Mae West

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!
David Brent

Sit down Rodney. Keep your brains warm.
Derek ‘Del boy’ Trotter

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.
Woody Allen

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
Joseph Heller
In Catch-22.

Some people say there is a God; others say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere in between.
W.B. Yeats

Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.
Bill Shankly

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Homer Simpson

Stop thinking, and end your problems.
Lao Tzu

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
Homer Simpson

Thank God I'm an atheist.
Luis Bunuel

That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
Woody Allen

That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke.
Sean O'Casey

The Americans will always do the right thing . . . After they've exhausted all the alternatives.
Winston Churchill

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet and Doctor Merryman.
Jonathan Swift

The best way to behave is to misbehave.
Mae West

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Brendan Behan

The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden…It ends with Revelations.
Oscar Wilde

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
William Shakespeare

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Groucho Marx

The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination.
Voltaire

The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train.
Robert Lowell

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Jilly Cooper

The minute that you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.
Will Rogers

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
Jeanne-Marie Roland

The more I see of the moneyed classes, the more I understand the guillotine.
George Bernard Shaw

The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too.
Anton Chekhov

The Prime Minister has nothing to hide from the President of the United States.
Winston Churchill
Stepping from his bath in presence of President Roosevelt.

The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully.
Samuel Johnson

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
Mark Twain

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark Russell

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Oscar Wilde

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
Winston Churchill

There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.
Mae West

There are three ages of man - youth, age, and 'you're looking wonderful.'
Cardinal Francis Spellman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
Benjamin Disraeli

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Bob Phillips

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen

There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says yes, you know he is crooked.
Groucho Marx

There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
Salvador Dali

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
Hugh Leonard

There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.
Will Rogers

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
George Burns

There's no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.
Brendan Behan

There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Bart Simpson

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill up with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
Philip Larkin

They misunderestimated me.
George W Bush

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Groucho Marx

To err is human - but it feels divine.
Mae West

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Paul Ehrlich

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
Oscar Wilde

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
George Burns

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Mae West

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
Jim Bishop

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers

Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
Will Rogers

What do I think of Western civilisation? I think it would be a very good idea.
Mahatma Gandhi

What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
David Brent

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?
David Brent

When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
Brendan Behan

When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Ireland.
J. P. Donleavy
In The Ginger Man.

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.
Author Unknown
Often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
Woody Allen

When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is.
Oscar Wilde

When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
Mae West

When the President does it, that means it's not illegal.
Richard Nixon

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
Mae West

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
Charles Caleb Colton

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
Winston Churchill

When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad.
Helen Rowland

When you see what some women marry, you realise how they must hate to work for a living.
Helen Rowland

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.
Oscar Wilde

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen

Winning isn't everything - it's the only thing.
Vince Lombardi

Woe unto you also, lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne.
Jesus

Women are as old as they feel - and men are old when they lose their feelings.
Mae West

Women have a much better time than men in this world. There are far more things forbidden to them.
Oscar Wilde

Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.
Oscar Wilde

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." - Rita Rudner

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
Will Rogers

You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!
David Brent

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.
David Brent

You just pick up a chord, go twang, and you're got music.
Sid Vicious

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Homer Simpson

You're everywhere. You're omnivorous.
Homer Simpson
To God.

You're never too old to become younger.
Mae West

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Herbert Henry Asquith